An internet toast to to the bad, cheesy, campy & weird horror movies.

The Stuff (1985)

Can’t get enough of the stuff!  For a evil edible microbionic organism, the Stuff has some pretty bad ass branding.  

This movie is essentially The Blob, but with marshmallow fluff instead of strawberry jelly.

The Beast Within (1982

TRAILER

Puberty is an awkward stage in a young mans life. Especially that part when you voice cracks and you turn into a cannibalistic insectoid, yeah that is the worst. 

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1962)

Wow, watching this without the MST3k crew riffing it a new one isn’t as bad as i thought it would be. I mean its your pretty standard mad scientist flick,  good ol’ Dr. Bill is on the hunt an some prime A+ lady to transplant his wife Jan’s brain into (heck maybe the whole head im not sure and by the looks of the end title card neither were the filmmakers.) So now Jan’s head confined to a pan of jello and connected to some the typical mad scientist set up of tubes and beakers. Thats all you need to keep someone’s head alive, try it at home kids!  Connors goes all over to find a replacement for his decapitated wife burlesque theater, swimsuit competitions, a uhh “models” studio but alas even ladies of ill repute know its not wise to go with this mad doctor. Finally though he convinces a lass to come back to his pad, only to have his 1st gen mutant creation come and take chunk outta his throat. Not cool, poor skeezy Connors. Mutant Joe also manages to burn down the entire lab, leaving our bodyless Jan kinda no way of escape. Poor Jan head. 

Week 2: Horrorible 2, The Death of Dr. Horrorible
-The Brain That Wouldn’t Die 
-The Sentinel
-Dead Snow
-The Beast Within

Week 2: Horrorible 2, The Death of Dr. Horrorible

-The Brain That Wouldn’t Die 

-The Sentinel

-Dead Snow

-The Beast Within

Mega Piranha (2010)



Ughhhh I should have known better when the first words on the screen are “Syfy Presents.” That would be the cue for any sane person run for cover, but nope, against commonsense and trudged on with the Asylum “mockbuster” production. 

Man this was bad, it felt like a filled with jarring camera moves, jump cuts, and repeating establishing shot of the same three or four places. Yes, we know we are in Venezula you just said that five minutes ago, even though it looks like the suburbs of LA!. For some reason almost every character is introduced with a black and white title card within the first 20 minutes, even people who get chomped on by piranhas within a few minutes of being introduced!

The piranha themselves along with  and the rest of the visual effects in general are PSone quality, the cinematics from Resident Evil had better graphics than this. But i guess the film producers must’ve loved the way they looked cause were shown the same repeating footage of a swarm of piranha like four or five times, along with a set of unconvincing helicopters which are reused over and over.     

The acting, as expected for a straight to tv movie,  is beyond horrible. Our leading man, who seems to be a 90’s wrestler who has had one too many run ins with a folding chair, provides a slew of bad line reads and blank stares. And of course it wouldn’t be an Asylum flick without some past their prime  70’s - 80’s pop icons, here we have Tiffany and Brady Bunch-er Barry Williams.. who plays a character named Bob Grady.. oh see what they did there. ha. get it. ughh.

This film was ridiculous, the whole plot of why / how the piranha grow to the size of a whale is never really explained, must be science or something. Also for some reason these fish are explosive, in a scene they are jumping into buildings then bursting into flames. what. ack. this is horrible. i need to lie down.

This happens too…

The Fog (1980)

The smoke machines are tuned to 11 for John Carpenter’s The Fog. A classic ghost story about seafaring ghost comin’ back to get revenge on the Northern California town that wronged them. Compared to yesterday’s feature, this is a gem; awesome cast (Hal Holbrook, Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau), a real creepy mood once the fog starts rolling into town, and another awesome Carpenter soundtrack.  

Oh and lets not forget; haunted driftwood ooh spooky!   

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Starting of this year with the eighth go around of everyone’s favorite homicidal hockey enthusiast. This was pretty bad, even by Friday the 13th standards. Most of the film takes place on a student filled (well marginally occupied) boat bound for New York, I guess Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes a Cruise wasn’t the vibe the producers were going for.  

When the action hits New York were treated by a wonderful string of cinematic apathetic New Yorker stereotypes; druggy criminals who inject our main heroine with Gatorade colored smack, mohawk wielding punks who seem to be listening to Kool Moe Dee, and subway patrons who are indifferent to slime covered homunculus riding on the train. People in New York just don’t give a shit. 

By the way was New York a toxic dumping ground in the 80s? For some reason there are barrels of toxic sewage in the streets and the sewer seems to be flowing with corrosive acid. Things were crazy before Guiliani cleaned up the city!

Near the end Jason is unmasked and looks like a Halloween jack-o-lantern that has been left out in the sun way into the new year, then things get really weird when he dies (again). I’m still not exactly sure wtf happened at the end or why he transforms back into a kid in his boxer shorts. My head still hurts. 

And yes, there is a scene where Jason PUNCHES a guy’s head clean off with one blow and the head the proceeds to fall in directly into dumpster, which slams closed as soon as that happens. wackity wackity poop.


Another year, another slew of horrible movies. 
Week 1: Horrorible 2 - The Horrors of Lake Horror
Friday the 13th Part 8The FogMega PiranahaThe BurningFrogsSlither

Another year, another slew of horrible movies. 

Week 1: Horrorible 2 - The Horrors of Lake Horror

Friday the 13th Part 8
The Fog
Mega Piranaha
The Burning
Frogs
Slither